No to job = Yes to peace of mind
Two weeks ago I decided to say no to an opportunity that rattled me. Especially when I looked at my plate and saw only unfinished projects. Especially when I looked at my email dry without any freelancing prospects. And when I looked at my dwindling bank account.
I was in a deep slump where I was itching to land something — anything really — that offered any form of stability and structure. All of the flaws of freelancing, the insecurities it poked in me, and the uncertainty it stirred, rose up to swallow me whole.
I had just entered month three of freelancing and I was growing impatient and unsure if I made the right decision. So when this opportunity came knocking with a great name and with a short window to decide, I became a wave of emotions.
I was met with an amazing support system who were ready to support whatever decision I made and connect me with folks who can help with the cross-country move, housing, and helping me build community.
Mentors made themselves available for late calls to help me suss out what my next career move could and should be.
I was reminded by my family that in the past three months being broke and living at home didn’t diminish the moments of happiness and small, but important, successes I have had.
I was reminded by friends that my chance to have peace of mind, have fun and enjoy my life is just as important as the job description.
It made me reflect on the years of hustling that I still felt deep in the throngs of because I didn’t know how else to live. I don’t have any financial system supporting me outside of myself so I knew I would be stressing out about my basic needs. Without a doubt, my quality of life and mind would be compromised.
I listened to my thoughts justifying to me that hustling is not below me, that I am a hard worker, I am resourceful and would come out kicking ass. But I had reached a point in my life where the acceptance of scarcity and situations that pushed for an unhealthy form of resilience is something I no longer wanted.
It was tough to pass up on an opportunity because I rarely have. On the other side of that, I wasn’t sure what I was saying “yes” to. I wasn’t excited to choose the yes option because I wanted to get out of it. I had to trust that the opportunity was an affirmation for my unique path and the next opportunity will be a better fit. It required me to fully give myself a chance, to fully believe in myself and to push myself wholeheartedly. Something I was lagging on.
I knew that after saying no it would light a fire under me. But it didn’t happen the next morning, that weekend nor the following week.
It happened just a few days ago. The “it” wasn’t a fire being ignited. It was another snapping. I looked back at my life during January through March and asked myself, “what the hell was I doing in all that time?” I felt removed from that person. When I tried to think of my day-to-day, it was all a blur. I definitely was in a funk. Lost. Worried. Nervous. And maybe even depressed. But I knew that I was no longer in it. I could feel and see myself removed from that weird vortex I was in, looking from the outside.
Since saying no, I was met with many yes’s. I was met with deep gratitude for having the blessing of living at home, being around family for the mundane day to the day, for the festivities, and for the disagreements. Most of all, for sharing the time when everyone is healthy for the most part. I have made an intentional decision to spread out and get comfortable in my hometown of LA. I am saying yes to living in the present, enjoying the current chapter of my life and all the abundance it is giving me.
