How A Safety Training Incited Me To Risk Everything For Joy
I was part of an invaluable training for female journalists put on by the International Women’s Media Fund’s (IWMF) called the Hostile Environment and First Aid Training (HEFAT). While I was sitting there, I kept thinking, “I MUST share this knowledge with the world.” The more thought I gave it, I couldn’t just make a listicle. I couldn’t figure out how I could choose the top 5 digital security tips, or the 10 best practices and for best situational awareness or all the ways you didn’t know duct tape and shoe laces could save your life. Although important, I couldn’t shake a self-realization that creeped up.
I realized that since nine years old, I have heard stories of sexual assault, rape and witnessed harassment and violence. A consistent statement I told myself was, why would it be any different for me? What makes me special? It wasn’t a question even though it was framed as one. It was a matter of fact. I was and am expecting to go through a similar experience because I am a woman of color.
At nine years old I got my period. My first thought was “damn, I can get pregnant now.” That thought came from knowing rape existed. That my body was going to start changing. That I was going to start being sexualized. That it was more dangerous for me.
That is not a normal thought to have. Nor is it a positive one to have during what could be a celebratory experience.
So since then, I’ve tried to prevent it. I’ve done and continue to take daily precautions, similar to many other women of color, as we go about our day to day. I also know I am a bitch from the start of any interaction with cis men. I have been doing so since my early teens. It is exhausting. It makes me sad to feel I need to and it has impacted my ability to trust others but more importantly, my ability live.
During the training, I jotted in my notes —
“I want to feel joy and express myself freely but it’s honestly knowing the patriarchy/capitalism/all the -ism’s are real and it will always threaten my ability to fully live.”
Survival tactics became defense mechanisms. Then they became tools that were adapted to my environments. They were consistently given life to become a cycle of oppression. I have given the systems too much power and given up a lot of my own happiness as a result. How I was showing up every single day was chained to it.
At the mid-way point of the training we had gone through the most intense simulated safety scenarios with actors. It was at this point that we debriefed as a group. We were given space to process however we chose and would be in each others company for a few more days to process with each other if needed. For me, it takes some time and distance to begin processing and weeks later here I am combing through.
I was so dedicated to healing from trauma and breaking generational cycles that I was looking only at my immediate family and within myself. I thought I had already processed the outside worlds impact on me. But it is true that healing comes in waves and here it was at my feet.
This wave brought radical joy and living for me to grapple with.
The training wasn’t meant to instill fear or paranoia. It was empowering to walk away with some tangible skills and to know that my triggers were being shook. I felt I was walking away as a more prepared journalist, with new personal and professional friendships, and more self-awareness.
It also gave me the opportunity to become dedicated to joy. It came hand in hand with gratitude, being more present and feeling an inner calm.
I wouldn’t have thought that a safety training would knock on the door of nine-year-old me and tell her to not be robbed another day of joy. I expected to learn survival skills. And I did learn exactly that, the list just looks a little different. At the top is now, risk everything for joy.
